Duck Tales

Shubhagata Choudhury, reporting from the Council to Halt the Annihilation Of States (CHAOS), imagines what 2020 might hold for the North Atlantic Treaty Organisation and the United States of America (in a near-non-fictional scenario).


Scene 1:
Year 2020,
The Oval Office.

Guy with the Black Suit (GBS) (1): Mr. President, your victory, which was obviously self-funded and not aided by Russia or China or the shrewd capitalists, has been hailed as the biggest upset of world history. Even Greece’s 2004 Euro victory was considered to have better odds.
Donald (Duck) Trump: Quack quack.
GBS 1: Sir?
Trump: Loved the duck. And obviously. I grabbed the nation by its –
*GBS 2 breaks in*
GBS 2: Sir, we have a situation.
Trump: I swear, this time it wasn’t me.
GBS 2: What?
Trump: (obviously nervous) Go ahead.
GBS 2: We have an important meeting to attend. The NATO intends to meet and dominate the United States of America, home of the racists, since 2016.
Trump: Bomb India.
GBS 2: Sir? India? Why them?
Trump: Are they in NATO?
GBS 2: No, sir.
Trump: Crap, I always hated those Middle-Easterns. Let’s go. I have to sound important in the meeting. Make sure the speechwriters make America great again.

Scene 2:
A nearly deserted location with a shadowy ambience.

Important-looking Guy Wearing a Tie (IGWT) 1: We have assembled here to discuss our situation. The United States is a school bully and intends to subjugate us further. It is time we break free from their lies because we are so self-satisfied and we don’t need them.
IGWT 2: (suppresses sneeze) Sorry.
IGWT 1: Goddamit, Canada. You are such a giveaway.
IGWT 3: What do we tell him? You-Know-Who has launch codes. And resistance is not exactly an option.
IGWT 4: Sssh! He is here.
[Enter Trump]
Trump: Why can’t we liven up this place with black music?
IGW 1: Huh?
Trump: I mean, jazz. Jazz music. The world needs a little bit of la la in a land so morose.
IGWT 1: Enough with this nonsense. We have decided to pull out.
Trump: (obvious self-satisfied chuckle) That’s what she said.
IGWT 1: This is not the time to make immature jokes or insolent comments. NATO’s purpose looks directionless. We have failed. In fact, the US has failed us. We do not represent the threat we once symbolised. The US has overly dominated us with its intimidating armed forces. But we will fight back. We are united more than the United States. Our aim is pure and noble.
Trump: Oh, I see what this is. Are you guys strong-arming me to get you all a free weekend stay at Vegas? Oh, you dexterous imps. Crafty.
IGWT 1: You can’t be serious! You really think everything is about the US? We don’t care about your country. We are not here for a trip
Trump: You have a Mexican accent. Are you a Mexican? You want in, don’t you? Crafty. Got to hand it to you.
IGWT 2: Wow. He is stupid. And we get blamed for Bieber.
Trump: You just can’t leave. There are protocols.
IGWT 1: (scoffs) And that is coming from you? You have thrown every rulebook out of the window and threatened a nuclear war on almost everyone, including New York.
Trump: Okay, fine. What do you propose?
IGWT 1 (adjusting his tie): For starters, amending some rules. Every country has an equal say. Dominance is just going to corrode our relationship. We also need it in writing that you will not threaten us with or use any nuclear weapon. And most importantly, you will consider this as an ultimatum.
Trump: Sure. And?
IGWT 1 (looking obviously confused): That’s all.
Trump: Sure, you have a deal. That was short.
[Exit. The entire room looks stunned; baffled faces all around. Did Trump just concede?]

GBS 2: Sir?
Trump: Yes, I know. Nuke them all and let’s make America great again.




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